Tag Archives: depression

Day 10: Crowdfunding highs and lows (mostly lows)…

April 10

Well if my upcoming birthday isn’t depressing enough (really, I used to get excited for this, not so much anymore), now my crowdfunding efforts to support my attendance at the May 2-3 fiction writing seminar is not catching much action. I am so grateful for my 3 funders, and yet I feel deflated that not more peeps are supporting me. Should I be surprised? I guess not. Am I allowed to be a tiny bit bummed? Okay, a little.

Honestly, I hate pitching myself (but give me a fictional character and I’ll talk your freakin’ ear off, seriously, I won’t shut up and your ear will fall off, but it will be artistic and inspiring as it happens). I don’t want to be a salesperson, I don’t want to have to promote myself and tell people I’m worth it, that’s just not me. But, it is my job to continue to develop as a writer and if I don’t promote myself who will?

So I’m going for it, but it’s (omgee, omgeee) scary. I kind of love-hate it. It’s like asking out a boy at school, you know what I’m talking about…the handwritten note folded up and passed from friend to friend all the way over to the kid across the room who you don’t know if he’s been making eyes at you or the girl behind you and you’re risking it all on this one small effort, this one attempt to be confident and bold and daring!!!!

And then he opens it, the handwritten note that says “I like you. Do you like me back? Circle yes or no.”

And he looks around. Notices you noticing him. Everyone is waiting to find out what he’s going to do. He doesn’t do anything. He just crumples it up and throws it in the trash can in the corner. It bounces off and the teacher goes and picks it up. Un-crumples it. Reads it (gulp) aloud in front of the class.

“Well?” she asks. We look at her, not sure what to do. None of us.

“It’s very rude to leave a question unanswered” she says.

“It was her!” that bitch points at me, you know the one I’m talking about. The girl who always tattles on everybody. Yea, the one with the curly hair and strappy shoes. You know her.

And so, there I go marching up to the front of the class to write on the board that I am a loser (not in so many words, but I was used to getting busted for passing notes so I already knew what I had to write)…”I will not pass notes”.

“Oh no, you’re not getting away that easy this time,” she says, yanking the chalk from my hand.

The class follows up with their typical, “Oooohhhhh.”

“You are going to write a fifty page report examining how your distractions adversely affect other students in this classroom.”

And there you have it. How I began my writing career.

And that is also how random blog posts are born. (Shh, don’t tell the kids!)

Want to help me get high again? (Oh stop, you know what I mean!!! LOOK at the blog post title!) Check out my crowdfunding page for Novel Writing Seminar with Tod Goldberg and chip in, if you feel so inclined (see, I’m terrible at this whole self-promotion, sales stuff…also why I will never receive all the reimbursements from the kids soccer team for the banner I ordered, I just hate asking people for money).

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Day 29: Rain, Christmas Music, and Depression

Wednesday, Oct. 9

Sad Santa

My adventure (if you can call it that) is coming to a close as I approach the 30th day of going makeup free! I want to scream from the rooftops (although not today because it’s raining) that I did it! I did it! And I DO feel proud, but also sad (insert thumbs up, followed by a crying emoji, followed by a confused emoji…you know, the one with the eyebrows squished together and eyes looking up).

Why?

Because I know that my vanity still has the best of me and I will go back to wearing makeup. And the sadness comes from feeling like this experiment didn’t really do anything if, at the end, I go back to my former habits. And I’m sad that I’m not wearing makeup because as much as I’ve tried to fight the urges, I just can’t. I just LOVE wearing makeup (too much).

But I’m also happy.

Why?

Because (hello!) I get to wear makeup again (crowds cheering) after tomorrow! I get to do what I like to do, and that just so happens to be getting all prettied up and going out in public with confidence in my appearance. Is that so wrong (a question 

I’ve had my highs and lows, and maybe it has something to do with the weather (remember, I already told you it’s raining) that’s making me feel down. Maybe it’s the cycle of complexion issues I’ve been going through (and seem to always be going through). Maybe it’s the approaching holidays that already have me feeling stressed (how can Target play Christmas music BEFORE it’s even Halloween? Seriously?!?).I’ve been trying to answer this whole time)?

But I am SO looking forward to doing what I do best…lookin’ good (okay, that sounded SO cocky, which is SO not me, but may be my alter ego. maybe.). But really, I just want to use the tools that are available to me to look my best. And feel my best. And I shouldn’t feel guilty about it or feel like I have to weigh in on one side or the other of the great makeup battle (as if I have to choose sides: makeup or no makeup?).

I think the biggest thing I can share about this is that it’s NOT NECESSARY for anyone to wear makeup. That really, no one cares but you (me). The important thing is to be comfortable and confident in your decisions to express yourself. And THAT, my friends, is what I’m taking away from this (horrible) experiment.

I get (but don’t fully understand) that other people don’t see all my “flaws” the way I do (with 20/20 vision and impeccable scrutiny). And I am more appreciative of my “natural” beauty (even if I cringe while typing that because I don’t know if I will ever fully believe). But (que the rain) when it rains and the clouds are a-brewin’, and Christmas music is a-playin’, there’s nothing quite like a hot cup of coffee and hiding out inside with sweatpants and fuzzy slippers and not a lick of makeup needed to enjoy that.

So, at long last (almost, there’s still one day left!) I realize there is an appropriate time and place for everything, and makeup is no exception. At the end of the day (well, technically it would be the beginning of the day because that’s when I would apply my makeup, but so goes the expression) I can and shall wear makeup when and if I see fit. Be it every day, only on special occasions, never again, or any time I’m out of the house (including the gym, don’t judge (and yea, like I have time for the gym anymore anyways, hahaha) (and yea, those were two sets of parentheses inside one set of parentheses, so what?)).

If the cure for (my) depression is wearing makeup, then I say (in an authoritative and Santa-like voice) SO BE IT! I say DO IT! I say IT’S BETTER THAN DRUGS (not to knock the people who choose to use medication for their depression)!

Maybe that would have been a better blog title: Makeup: Hey, at least it’s not drugs! Because we all have our addictions, and I can think of a million other things (okay, not really a million, but you know me, I have to be dramatic) that are WAY worse than being a serial makeup wearer. So there (sticking out tongue)!