Day 12: Not as Bad as Walt. And I Will Eat that Whale!

Sunday, Sept. 22

Okay, I’ve come up from my self-loathing, disappointed, frustrated, tired low from the last few days. That’s what the weekend is for, right? Try to catch your breath and prepare for another looonnnngggg week of whatever it is you do. But, is it a time for resting? No way.

For me, it’s a time of catching up on laundry, grocery shopping, cooking big healthy dinners (followed by gluttonous desserts), and preparing to once again whine and complain all week about how there is simply not enough time in the day to do all I want to do. Relaxation? Well, that comes once the kids are in bed and I can turn off my brain and watch one of the final episodes of Breaking Bad (tonight, yes! and also, nooooo!!!! I don’t want it to end!).

When I watch Breaking Bad, I realize we all want to be successful, and we all ache for more time doing stuff we love versus stuff we feel obligated to do (even if we love some of those obligations as well). I realize that, even in my darkest hours, I am not as f@#$ed as Walt and Skyler. I’m not as dumb as Jesse. Not as frustrated as Hank. Not dead like every other character. And I’m not facing hard time because I wrote a bad article, or didn’t throw that load of laundry into the dryer (you know, the one from three days ago that now smells like seaweed or rotten cabbage).

So, yes, I missed a few days of writing on my blog. I haven’t been working on my novel(s) let alone even reading any good books. I need to edit, revise, submit like crazy to get published (somewhere, someday) and that can’t happen until I FINISH something and that can’t happen until I work on something religiously and tirelessly (okay, religiously is a weird expression but it kind of works because writing is as important to me as breathing, eating, sleeping, living and is always in the back of my mind if I’m not actively doing it, so does that make sense?) every day.

And I’m constantly disappointed in myself for not doing more more more. And I miss makeup terribly. So I should also be disappointed in myself for that too (because that MUST make me superficial and some kind of a bad person, right?). And then I can’t help but start wondering why I even did this to begin with. Any of it (writing, not wearing makeup, setting myself up for failure). But I am sticking to my guns (whatever that is supposed to mean, I guess I could just google it), and abstaining from makeup. And trying to abstain from negative thinking too (hahaha, I know, good luck with that, right? Wait, damnit, that was negative wasn’t it?).

How is that working out? Well, okay. I mean, I am still disappointed that I’m not doing more, but I should be content with what I am able to do (which some people would call miraculous, given that I have three kids and no “help” other than my devoted hubby who works his a$$ off to provide for us). The best advice ever, given to me by practically everyone who I complain to, is to just take it one day at a time.

And how do I answer that? Well, look at Walt. That’s what he did, and now he’s up sh@# creek (yes, there’s a lot of cursing going on in this post, but man does it feel good sometimes to just let it all out, cursing is like yoga in that way—a release of negative energy and tension). You have to look ahead at the future, at how what you do today will affect tomorrow and the day after and so on and on and on. So live one day at a time, but don’t forget that your choices today will affect all of your tomorrows…(how’s that for mixed messages???)

I know, don’t be so hard on myself. But that’s just who I am, and that’s what I believe makes me more successful, because I am my own worst critic and I know what I am capable of and hate settling for less. I guess that’s kind of why the makeup thing is hard too. I mean, I know what I’m capable of looking like and I don’t want to “settle” for looking hum drum, boring, or unkempt. Because I am none of those things!

In the meantime, while I work on my so-called “self-image”, at least I am writing. I mean, I know I could write more, but there are laws against ignoring and starving your children, even if it is for the sake of your craft. And also, I love these boogers (children, who do happen to have lots of boogers) to pieces. When I do stop and play with them and feed them and bathe them, I remember that it’s those moments that are actually fulfilling and those moments that help define who I am as a person and reminds me that, someday (in 11, 12, and 18 years, not that I’m counting, insert winky face) I will have an empty house and too much time on my hands and I will miss being so busy.

So for now, I’m trying (really really really hard) to enjoy each moment and not get too caught up in productivity from day to day, because as long as I keep working at it (little by little, think of that Shel Silverstein poem about the girl eating the whale!) it will all accumulate into something I can be proud of. Whether it’s creating and nurturing three amazing, gifted people (yes, it is quite incredible to think that I actually MADE people!) or that someday (in 11, 12, and 18 years, but who’s counting???) I will have a huge body of writing work (whether published or not, it’s my lifelong dream simply to write! and having people read my work, that’s just a perk).

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